Grace

Last night, while Ambryn and I were nestled in our respective beds, covered with our respective mosquito nets, our conversation turned toward grace. I realized that the title of this blog is “From Holden to India” and that in the last days what I have taken from Holden has been emerging in my thoughts and conversations.

As I may have noted earlier, it has been interesting for both Ambryn and I to experience Visthar as an agency and as a workplace, rather than simply an idyllic place in which to learn. Because we have both worked in the non-profit sector post-graduation, we frequently find ourselves analyzing what we love, and what is hard, about working at Visthar. I am thinking a lot about “not taking oneself too seriously”, about the importance of celebration (something both Holden and Visthar do with gusto) and about different leadership models. I am deeply inspired by David’s moving homilies over tea, and Mercy’s ability to laugh at herself throughout the day, and I miss Paul, Carol and Tom’s quiet confidence in me, their affirmation, and their forgiveness. I miss hilarity.

Since I’ve left Holden, I’ve been thinking and speaking about graciousness. Last night I was telling Ambryn the story of the night I spilled diesel (from my bus's tank) from the diesel tanks, to the garage, and back into the village after an exhausting day (and after a few exhausting weeks) of driving and staff coordinating during the evacuation. While everyone else was walking home from Vespers I stepped out of my bus and saw the spill. My heart sunk into my stomach and I immediately felt tremendous guilt. I held the walkie-talkie to my mouth and said, “Marc, Bethany.” Marc replied, “Go ahead, Bethany.” I said, “Marc, can you meet me in the road?” He soon came outside and I quickly explained what had happened, apologizing every other word. What followed from Marc was one of the clearest examples of “graciousness” I have ever experienced. Marc and I walked the trail of the spill, and all the while he stressed that it would be okay, that it wasn’t that awful of a thing, and that the clean-up involved would be quite simple.

Ambryn and I have spoken a lot about our shared belief in the importance of creating space in which people can be vulnerable, and treating them kindly when they’re there. It’s so simple, and it can be rare. Last night I found myself talking about not just graciousness, but grace…about the ability to forgive, about not having to prove, not having to justify, not having to atone. And I think of Mary Oliver’s lines from Wild Geese, “You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on...”

And then I miss giggling while doing the “resting face” with Daniel, and I miss the tea area, and I miss singing Vespers ’86. I can’t take these specific pieces of Holden with me, but I can take what I learned, and then dance with both the Bandhavi girls and administrative staff of Visthar.